Victorious All Blacks enslave Scots
November 16, 2012
General McCaw leads his troops into battle against the Scots at Murrayfield © Getty Images
New Zealand have thrown the future of international rugby into doubt after shocking post-whistle behaviour from the Kiwis last weekend saw Murrayfield looted and razed to the ground.
Not content with dismantling Scotland on the playing field by 51 points to 22, the triumphant All Blacks then proceeded to sack the stadium itself upon the blowing of the final whistle by referee Jerome Garces.
Murrayfield, the home of Scottish rugby since 1925, today lies in ruins, with naught but debris littering the floor where the cathedral of Scottish rugby previously stood.
Once the smoke and flames had finally died down late Tuesday afternoon news broke that the entire playing and coaching staff of Scotland had been enslaved by Richie McCaw and his team-mates.
"We claim these inferior Celts as our war booty," snarled General McCaw in a press conference held amongst the rubble of the south stand. "We are tired of coming here to Europe and engaging in these minor, insignificant skirmishes. For over a century we have come here to the lands our great-grandfathers sensibly left behind them and we get nibbled at by these pesky flies. No more. No more do we come here for your entertainment. No more. This time we end it forever. We are not a circus act for the entertainment of Europeans. We are the AIG-sponsored All Blacks."
Whilst information is sketchy, it seems the entire Scottish squad are to be forced to carry the All Blacks' gear around Europe for the rest of the tour. Unconfirmed witness reports state that the players may already be chained together and marching single file southwards under the unforgiving whip of coach Steve Hansen.
General McCaw has declared that all of the All Blacks opponents can expect the same treatment if they attempt to offer any resistance on the field of play.
"There will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth by the women of Italy, England and Wales if we so decree it," stated McCaw. "Those who stand before the All Blacks will be enslaved or destroyed." All Blacks' scrum-half Piri Weepu tweeted that the razing of Murrayfield was: "sweet as, bro."
Whilst the majority of the All Blacks have set forth for their next encounter, a small band of administrators and injured players have remained behind to erect a 40 foot marble statue of David Kirk (the All Blacks' victorious 1987 World Cup captain) and General McCaw.
Reaction to the stadium's destruction has been mixed in Scotland. Whilst many fans are saddened to see a Scottish icon wiped off the face of the earth, others were less sorrowful.
"The SRU deserve it for playing that awful pop music after scores and during any break in the game," said Scott Wallace, a lifelong rugby fan from Edinburgh. "Really, it's hard to mourn its passing. Maybe years ago it would have been sad, even a tragedy. But now? I'll get over it. It's not like we ever win there anyway."
Amazingly, news of Murrayfield's destruction has not led any of New Zealand's autumn opponents to cancel their fixtures with the world champions.
The Rugby Football Union, when asked for comment, would only say that the razing of Murrayfield was a matter for the Scottish Rugby Union and the International Rugby Board.
Similarly, the Welsh Rugby Union said that the planned fixture would go ahead as "we really need the cash right now and can't afford to turn down the ticket sales". The spokesperson even went on to say that the Millennium Stadium is fully ensured and that if it was to be destroyed by a mob of marauding All Blacks "it wouldn't be the end of the world".
Meanwhile, in Dublin, the IRB, which initially took a neutral stance on the Scottish incident has now confirmed that the allegations against New Zealand will come under close scrutiny. Furthermore, if anything 'untoward' was found to have occurred the IRB stated that is may even impact upon the staging of the 2015 World Cup.
The IRB issued then issued the following statement late yesterday in response to the crisis: "If Richie McCaw is found to have been responsible for the utter destruction of a stadium belonging to a founding member of the IRB and if he is found to be involved in enslaving an entire international squad and management team then the IRB will take action consistent to how we would always treat Richie McCaw. He will be told very forcefully to be very careful or possible sanctions may possibly be put in place to possibly punish him. We will not budge from our stance of possible action against Richie McCaw."
One source in the IRB who wished to remain anonymous, added: "This is what happens when you let people have their way with something like the Haka."
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