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The East Terrace is rugby's leading (and possibly only) satirical website offering a tongue-in-cheek look at the game and its leading personalities. Edited by James Stafford, the site has provided ESPNscrum readers with spoof content since 2008.
The East Terrace
Welsh young guns quit rugby?
James Stafford
March 23, 2012
Wales' Dan Lydiate shifts the ball, Wales v Scotland, Six Nations, Millennium Stadium, Cardiff, Wales, February 12, 2012
Welsh tyro Dan Lydiate has reportedly embraced his love of BMX bikes in the wake of his side's Six Nations success © PA Photos
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The East Terrace: Dancing on rugby's grave

Wales' hopes of building on their glorious 2012 Six Nations and making a bid for the world title have been blown to smithereens after a remarkable series of events which has led to seven of their best players seemingly quitting rugby.

News is emerging from the Welsh camp that stars including Alex Cuthbert, Dan Lydiate, George North and captain Sam Warburton have gone AWOL with all evidence indicating they have no intention of returning to the fold.

The young Welsh team have won almost universal praise in the rugby world for their dedication, work rate and professionalism. The players religiously followed the intensive training regime laid down by Warren Gatland's management team which included workouts in -120C in special cyrotherapy chambers, constant full contact sessions and alcohol bans. The youthful squad, that boasts an average age of just 25, was rewarded for their 'monk like' existence by a world cup semi-final and a Six Nations grand slam in the space of half a year.

However, it seems the harsh regime has broken several of the young players who have followed their win over the French in Cardiff with an orgy of drink, junk food, video games, BMXing and women.

"At present we can only confirm the following," said Peter Jones of the WRU at an emergency press conference in the Vale of Glamorgan. "After the encounter with the French in Cardiff on March 17, 2012, the Welsh team and management retired to a privately booked bar to celebrate the momentous achievement of Wales' eleventh grand slam. For many of the players this was the first time they had consumed alcohol for many months.

Unfortunately the combined effects of drinking alcohol after abstaining for so long in addition to their youth and the exertions of international rugby meant many players suffered dramatic changes in their behaviour. Many of the younger players, after drinking so much, decided to engage in leisure pursuits commonly engaged in by other young men of the principality. But it seems that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder, so to speak. These players are now showing extreme signs of addiction."

Jones then passed the assembled media a sheet outlining the current, or most recently known, actions and whereabouts of the players concerned:

Player: Sam Warburton
Age: 23
Action: Consumed 5000 kilos of chocolate before heading off in search of an 'unsecured sweet shop'.
Current Location: Unknown. Suspected to be near a place with large quantities of sugary snacks.

Player: Toby Faletau
Age: 21
Action: Discovered video gaming and currently engaged in marathon Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 online session (56 hours and counting).
Current Location: Internet café in Cardiff and consuming only Red Bull energy drinks. Aggressive when approached.

Player: Leigh Halfpenny
Age: 23
Action: Joined a street gang and is hanging around on street corners; ringing doorbells and running away; throwing eggs at moving cars. A hoodie has replaced his scrum cap.
Current Location: Ely, Cardiff.

Player: Alex Cuthbert
Age: 21
Action: Discovered conkers/Top Trumps.
Current Location: Wandering the hills and roads of Wales seeking out worthy challengers.

Player: Dan Lydiate
Age: 24
Action: Discovered BMX biking.
Current Location: Hopping around the estates of Newport. Current BMX rumoured to be stolen.

Player: George North
Age: 19
Action: Got confidence to talk to girls after having three glasses of shandy.
Current Location: At home Facebooking girls he met on way to post-match function.

Player: Justin Tipuric
Age: 22
Action: Eating chips, kebabs and burgers nine times a day.
Current Location: Caroline Street, Cardiff.

Jones stated that at least five of the players have stated they wish to be 'left alone' and say they have no wish to go back to 'boring rugby training' ever again. One player in particular is alleged to have said it 'wasn't fair' that his mates went drinking every weekend in Cardiff whilst he had to do 'stupid rugby drills again and again'. Upon being asked when or if he planned to return the young man replied: "Whatever."

The other three players are believed to be so absorbed in their new hobbies they are incapable of either rational thought or conversation. Whilst the rugby world has been rocked to the core by the actions of the young players, some have come forward expressing the view that such a backlash was only a matter of time.

 
"If you are Welsh, male, big, fast, like the gym and don't drink much, please call us now. Polish language skills are an advantage."
 

"This was inevitable," said one former Welsh international who did not wish to be named. "In the amateur days players could unwind, have a few beers and take their mind off things. Even in the early days of professionalism players still liked a drink. But taking these young men and pushing them so hard and asking them to go without beer, women and fast food, well…it's not natural! You are going to get a backlash at some point. Sometimes players need to go out and steal a taxi or two. You know, just have a laugh. No harm done."

Gatland's 'young guns' were praised as products of Wales' new academies which seem to finally be producing much needed strength in depth for the rugby mad nation. Furthermore, the media praised the Welsh team for their exemplary behaviour in New Zealand during the World Cup. Previous Welsh teams have had a notorious reputation for being unfit and prone to a drinking culture which prevented young talent from excelling. The exodus of young players from the current squad will be seen as evidence that the Welsh will always find a way to self-destruct.

Warren Gatland was also in attendance at the press conference. Looking a broken man he finished with an emotional plea to the youth of Wales: "If you are Welsh, male, big, fast, like the gym and don't drink much, please call us now. Polish language skills are an advantage."

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